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5:06 am EST        36°F (2°C) in South Rockwood, MI

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After almost the whole day’s worth of work, I can finally say that my apartment is more or less immaculate. Some parts of it, namely the one bathroom I regularly use, were starting to look like scenes from King Chimpy’s illegal, oil-motivated occupation of Iraq. The way Chimpy keeps going with that, crude oil will be $200 a barrel by January and I’ll probably have to carry multiple advanced tactical weapons systems on the truck just to do my job safely.

Speaking of Chimpy’s illegal occupation of Iraqi oil wells, here’s a reminder that today is Election Day — albeit a meaningless one, with nothing but local and county offices and propositions on the ballot in most places, and in fact nothing at all here in South Rockwood. This Election Day is perhaps best used as a reminder to either stay home or vote for progressive third parties when Election Day next rolls around, some 364 days from today. The Democrats in Congress, who have the majority but still act like a bunch of simpering cowards every time Chimpy flaps his gums, continue to stonewall the patriotic agenda I outlined a year ago, so it’s time say a loud “FUCK YOU!” to Pelosi, Reid, Hoyer, Clinton, Obama and crew. I can no longer in good conscience vote Democratic, as long as they continue to give the Rethuglicans everything they want.

I certainly can’t take the Democrats’ caving in on the nomination of torture supporter Michael Mukasey to replace Abu Gonzales, when I’m still trying to recover from a damn near heart attack caused by Lloyd Carr. After more than two full quarters of extremely one-dimensional offensive play-calling that left Michigan behind 24-14 against Moo U this past Saturday, Lloyd finally opened the playbook and followed the advice I have been trying to give him for years: “Throw the ball, Lloyd!” The result was a 28-24 Michigan victory, Blue’s sixth straight over the bovines from East Lansing.

Repeat after me: It is NOT a proper offensive game plan to only (a) run over the left side of the offensive line and (b) attempt passes that travel 40+ yards in the air. Yet, that’s practically all Michigan did after going up 14-3 early in the second quarter; the only passes it seemed they attempted were long bombs, and the vast majority of those went incomplete. Finally, with eight minutes left in the game, down by 10 points, the light went on in Lloyd’s head and Chad Henne started taking every snap in the shotgun. That is what won us the Illinois game two weeks ago, that is what got us killed in last January’s Rose Bowl (when USC did it to us), and that is what beat Moo U on Saturday. I cannot say it enough: Throw the ball, Lloyd! And throw it short to medium-range while you’re at it!

Listening to the game on Saturday, I at first blamed the defense for appearing to quit for most of the third quarter. Only in reviewing the game on my DVR did it become obvious that it wasn’t really our defense’s fault; rather, it was the repeated three-and-outs by the offense that kept the defense on the field for practically the entire third quarter and really tired the D out. For some reason, though, Lloyd and offensive coordinator Mike DeBord seem to never learn anything with any kind of speed; these are the same coaches who kept starting Justin Boren at center and Adam Kraus at left guard, despite true-freshman quarterback Ryan Mallett’s already well-documented troubles with Boren’s left-handed snaps (he fumbled three or four of them in the Oregon, Notre Dame, Illinois, and Minnesota games). Only now, with Henne healthy again, have the coaches made the switch permanent (Boren to left guard, Kraus to center).

At least one thing is good about this: we must only beat that team down south in two weeks to be Big Ten champions. We can even afford to lose to Wisconsin this weekend, regardless of what that team down south does against Illinois, so long as we beat that team down south. This weekend is entirely immaterial for both teams; the game on November 17 in Ann Arbor is the de facto conference championship game.

Excuse me while I go off and laugh at the Cows’ continued struggle to reach bowl eligibility this year …