« Fri.12.29.2000 »
3:43 pm EST 22°F (-6°C) in Dearborn
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I'm happy to report that I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday. In case you haven't already picked up on this from previous readings in this section, depression does that to you. You can be feeling fine, going along normally, when something hits you and you go into a tailspin. You lose all hope, and you begin to despair at the thought of living another day. You may contemplate suicide, as I've done, or even go as far as making a serious plan of how and where you're going to end your life (I've done that twice). You go through hell for a day or so, trying to decide whether you want to keep living. I guess you can say I've been lucky in both instances where I'd actually planned, but never gone through with, an attempt; however, right now, I often wonder if I actually am lucky to not have gone through with it. Depression just eats away at your soul like that.
The other thing depression does to you is rob you of all of your energy. I've been feeling very lethargic in many ways lately. I know, in the logical, cogent part of my brain, that finding a job is the ticket to my freedom from this house and my parents' control-freak ways. Try as I might, though, I can't find the energy to get up off my lazy ass and go secure a job. The indecision and lethargy just compound the problem; they just add more "weight" to your shoulders, until you topple over and have to start again from square one. It's a vicious cycle, which I haven't yet figured out how to break.
In any case, there's more going on outside of my mind. In minutes, I'm going to be leaving to go to dinner with my parents I don't know what it will accomplish as far as making things better between us, but I appear to have no choice but to join them. Additionally, I'll have something to do later tonight, as Michigan's hockey team returns to the ice after a 17-day layoff. I'll be watching their game against Michigan Tech on TV later.