« Thu.12.28.2000 »
2:18 pm EST 16°F (-9°C) in Dearborn
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I have about a million things on my mind today, not the least of which is relationships. I am feeling a strange mix of emotions today; it's almost surreal in a way.
I'm very afraid that I've screwed up yet another potential relationship, despite the other party's assertions to the contrary. Sometimes I find myself constantly questioning what I've done wrong, what I should have done better, what might have been. Most people don't do this as much as I do; I'm clearly not normal in this regard. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I constantly doubt myself? Why can't I just break out of this string of bad luck I'm on? Does it have to continue?
I am very much a lost little boy emotionally; what I really need in a man is somebody who can hold me in a strong pair of arms and soothe my frazzled nerves, softly telling me everything will be all right. I see so many other guys my age, both gay and straight, who are in committed relationships with their partners that seem so easy to keep up, in spite of the occasional disagreements. I admire them, and wish them the best; but at the same time, I wonder what's so wrong with me that I can't find something as quickly as they seem to do. Maybe I'm underestimating how much work these friends of mine put into their relationships. But on the flip side, if I figure I have to likewise put 87 tons of effort into a relationship, it seems that often times my effort is not reciprocated. I get into these one-sided relationships, hoping and praying that I can keep them going, but they never do.
I've also been in relationships where I've been guilty of the same thing. I don't know what's so wrong with me that I can't keep a relationship. I would want nothing more than to have a life-long committed loving relationship with somebody, but there's something wrong with me that keeps me from doing this. As much as I want to love and be loved, to hold and to be held, I don't think I'll ever find somebody willing to take me with all of my quirks, deficiencies, and other little things. I am so afraid that I'm going to have to live my whole life in utter and total loneliness, while everybody around me carries on with their business.
At the risk of sounding selfish, loyal readers, I need your love and support right now. Please send me an e-mail if you can; anything positive will really brighten my day.