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7:32 pm EST        21°F (–6°C) in Van Buren, OH

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After taking one load down to Texas, and bringing another one back up here to the small town of Archbold, OH, I now have all weekend to get down to South Carolina, specifically near the state capital of Columbia. As long as it’s warmer down there than it is here — the mercury dipped as low as 14°F (–10°C) overnight in Archbold — I guess I can’t complain.

As promised on Sunday, I’m now going to run through the list of the 44 Division I-A college football coaches who deserve to be executed for their role in denying America’s second-best college team its rightful place in the national championship game:

  • Chuck Amato (N.C. State — FIRED)
  • Frank Beamer (Virginia Tech)
  • Jack Bicknell III (La. Tech — FIRED)
  • Bobby Bowden (Florida State)
  • Tommy Bowden (Clemson)
  • Jeff Bower (Southern Mississippi)
  • Gregg Brandon (Bowling Green)
  • Art Briles (Houston)
  • Watson Brown (Alabama-Birmingham)
  • John Bunting (North Carolina — FIRED)
  • Bill Callahan (Nebraska)
  • Larry Coker (Miami (Fla.) — FIRED)
  • Sylvester Croom (Mississippi State)
  • Darrell Dickey (North Texas — FIRED)
  • Bill Doba (Washington State)
  • Dennis Franchione (Texas A&M)
  • Phillip Fulmer (Tennessee)
  • Walt Harris (Stanford — FIRED)
  • Dan Hawkins (Colorado)
  • Pat Hill (Fresno State)
  • Steve Kragthorpe (Tulsa)
  • Rocky Long (New Mexico)
  • Sonny Lubick (Colorado State)
  • Dan McCarney (Iowa St. — RESIGNED)
  • Les Miles (LSU)
  • Shane Montgomery (Miami (Oh.))
  • Houston Nutt (Arkansas)
  • Tom O’Brien (Boston Coll. — RESIGNED)
  • Chris Peterson (Boise State)
  • Bobby Petrino (Louisville)
  • Mark Richt (Georgia)
  • Rich Rodriguez (West Virginia)
  • Bobby Ross (Army)
  • Howard Schnellenberger (Fla. Atlantic)
  • Mark Snyder (Marshall)
  • Frank Solich (Ohio Univ.)
  • Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)
  • Rick Stockstill (Middle Tenn. State)
  • Bob Stoops (Oklahoma)
  • Jeff Tedford (California)
  • Dick Tomey (San Jose State)
  • Tommy Tuberville (Auburn)
  • Tyrone Willingham (Washington)
  • Ron Zook (Illinois)

For comparison’s sake, here are the 18 coaches whose lives shall be spared:

  • Mike Bellotti (Oregon)
  • Larry Blakeney (Troy)
  • Mack Brown (Texas)
  • Lloyd Carr (Michigan) — well, duh.
  • Randy Edsall (Connecticut)
  • Joe Glenn (Wyoming)
  • Terry Hoeppner (Indiana)
  • Brady Hoke (Ball State)
  • Brian Kelly (Central Mich. — RESIGNED)
  • Mike Leach (Texas Tech)
  • Joe Novak (Northern Illinois)
  • George O’Leary (Central Florida)
  • Gary Patterson (Texas Christian)
  • Mike Riley (Oregon State)
  • Greg Schiano (Rutgers)
  • John L. Smith (Mich. State — FIRED)
  • Joe Tiller (Purdue)
  • Charlie Weis (Notre Dame)

As I mentioned Sunday night, O*** State coach Jim Tressel, the sweater-vested minion of Satan, showed a remarkable level of integrity and intestinal fortitude by refusing to participate in the final poll. Despite the insistence of the American Football Coaches Association and poll sponsor USA Today that Tressel be reprimanded for this, Tressel did exactly the right thing — any vote would have been a conflict of interest for him.

Several things stand out in these lists. Almost every coach who was fired at the end of the season voted for Florida — apparently, only shitty, inept coaches think Michigan isn’t better than Florida. (The exception, John L. Smith, was handily beaten by Michigan in October, and went 0-4 at Moo U against Michigan, earning him my nickname of “John L-L-L-L Smith.”) Of the 18 coaches who voted for Michigan, a full six of them have been beaten by Michigan in the last two seasons — five of them (Hoeppner, Hoke, Kelly, Smith, Weis) this year alone. What I said about every coach voting his own agenda is true in the case of Mike Bellotti; his vote for Michigan was undoubtedly motivated by a desire to avoid giving Michigan any more motivation to beat the crap out of his team on September 8, 2007. On that note, Ron Zook obviously didn’t take that into consideration, so the appropriate punishment will be for Michigan to hang 80 or more points on the scoreboard in Champaign on October 20, 2007.

(It should be noted that out of the three coaches who resigned, only one of them did so under any kind of pressure from his school or fans — Dan McCarney at Iowa State. Brian Kelly and Tom O’Brien both left to take other jobs — O’Brien left BC to take Chuck Amato’s old job at North Carolina State, and Kelly left Central Michigan to replace Mark Dantonio at Cincinnati, after Dantonio had left the Bearcats to take John L-L-L-L Smith’s former job at Moo U.)

OK, I think I’ve talked about college football enough in the last couple of weeks. I do have one other major piece of news to report: namely, that I will in all likelihood be cancelling my SIRIUS™ Satellite Radio subscription in the near future. Why, you ask? Sirius fired one of the primary reasons for me to keep my subscription, dismissing John McMullen of their “OutQ” gay and lesbian channel on November 20. From what I have been able to gather, it appears that McMullen was terminated because of what amounts to a “who has the bigger dick?” contest, in which some executive vice-president at Sirius apparently decided his higher position in the food chain entitled him to terminate the employment of the person without whom Sirius OutQ would not exist.

Ultimately, however, it is I as a customer — and my monthly subscription fee or lack thereof — that truly runs the show, and I am going to terminate Sirius from my life after the Rose Bowl. The only reason for me to keep Sirius at this point is Michigan football, so I’m going to save eight months’ worth of subscription fees and only activate the service between September and January from now on.

With that, I’m off to somewhere further south in this state that is full of evil Buckeyes.