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11:14 pm EST 30°F (-1°C) in West Memphis, AR
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Loyal readers, the next time you hear from me, I may very well be behind bars after going on a serial killing rampage. My targets will be the 44 college football coaches who completely ignored reason and logic and voted the University of Florida into the #2 position in the final BCS standings, again showing their propensity for screwing Lloyd Carr at every opportunity. Michigan has been not just fucked, but anally raped in this situation; these 44 coaches deserve immediate death.
(OK, I admit, I’m 80% joking here about killing them all …)
Honestly, the coaches’ poll results weren’t the entire problem tonight, but the coaches’ poll was the one single BCS factor that ended up most lopsided in Florida’s favor. The sweater-vested minion of Satan, O*** State coach Jim Tressel, at least had the decency to abstain from that filthy swamp of male-cow excrement this time around, but out of his 62 counterparts in the poll, 44 of them put Florida at #2 and only 18 put Michigan in the second slot. (As soon as I find out the identities of these 44 shit-for-brains, you bet your ass I’m going to make them public.) That created a huge .017 edge for Florida in the coaches’ poll component of the BCS, which could only have been overcome with an overwhelming landslide (roughly 80-34) for Michigan in the Harris Interactive poll.
A new rule ABSOLUTELY MUST be instituted in the BCS next year. This new rule would stipulate that any game against a Division I-AA team incurs an automatic .100 deduction from the offending Division I-A team’s overall BCS percentage. This is absolute and utter bullshit that a team that pads its record with 62-0 victories over I-AA teams can finish ahead of a team with an identical one-loss record and a full schedule of I-A games. While I know it would have screwed Michigan this year, I can also support one other new rule in the interests of (a) fairness and (b) helping get the first rule pushed through: you must win your conference championship in order to be eligible for the BCS championship game. Finally, all of the BCS reforms I mentioned in this space last Tuesday should be implemented.
I also hope that the Big Ten Conference (and by extension, Lloyd Carr, who is the biggest supporter of its policies) will learn lessons from this debacle. Our idiotic obsession with having our season finished before Thanksgiving is probably the single most important factor in the BCS fucking of Michigan; it allows everybody else two weeks to make further impressions on poll voters while Michigan finds itself unable to make any more of a case. If Carr and Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany know what is best for themselves and the conference, next year’s renewal of the O*** State-Michigan rivalry will be moved to December 1, 2007. Fuck this third week of November shit — play the game on a weekend where it will matter so much more.
Our lack of a conference championship game also really hurts our teams in the BCS. In conferences that have one, it is another opportunity for those conferences’ champions to pad their strength of schedule, above and beyond their regular-season conference schedule, with one more game against another good team they may have already played once. Big Ten teams don’t get that opportunity, and can only rely on their regular-season conference games in strength-of-schedule comparisons. A comparison to basketball is apt; our idiotic obsession with “tradition” led us to be essentially the last major conference to begin holding a postseason conference tournament, just because we had never had one before.
(And before all you troglodyte Michigan alums from the ‘50s out there start whining “waaaaaah! we might have to play O*** State twice, or we might not play them at all!,” shut the fuck up. If it can be done in every other fucking conference in the country, there is absolutely no fucking reason in hell it can’t be done in the Big Ten. There have to have been a bunch of rematches in past SEC and Big 12 championship games, so there’s no excuse to insist we can’t play O*** State twice. It’s really simple — put them in the opposite division of the Big Ten from Michigan, and see to it that that is one of the non-divisional rivalries that gets played every year in the regular season. If we rematch them in a Big Ten championship game, so fucking what?)
Every other major conference in Division I-A football has made moves to adapt to the new realities of the college football landscape in the last 10-15 years. In some of these cases, long-time traditions had to be thrown out the window for the greater good of all teams in the conference. We in the Big Ten, though, have dug our heels into the mud, trying futilely to resist the gales of change that have already swept completely over the rest of the nation. It is high fucking time we cut the bullshit and joined the rest of college football in the 21st century, rather than pining away for the long-lost 1970s.
On a slightly lighter note, let’s consider what’s probably going on in heaven as I write. Bo Schembechler, who moved there 16 days ago, was famous for his lightning-fast temper and explosive tirades while he coached at Michigan; one of the most famous of these came in 1973 at the Detroit studios of WWJ-TV (then the NBC affiliate on channel 4, which is now WDIV-TV), when he was notified that Big Ten athletic directors had voted to send O*** State to the Rose Bowl in a tie-breaking post-season vote. He is said to have kicked several trash cans around the studio and more or less trashed the place. I have no doubt Bo is doing the same thing today in heaven; he must be kicking trash cans around and generally screaming his head off at God.
I don’t know what else there is to be said, except that “M GO BLUE” seems to have turned into “M GOT SCREWED.”